Story Listening for the Holidays

Try this new holiday tradition—stop and listen. Stop the busy-ness of Thanksgiving and Christmas long enough to listen to the family stories you have never heard.

The importance of this was brought home recently at a funeral. Once again I interviewed family and friends to prepare the sermon. Once again I heard the congregation respond in the reception afterwards, “I never knew.” So many times we miss the opportunity to connect with those close to us because we don’t ask.

We take our relationships for granted and connect at a surface level. We never ask how someone get into their career, or why they moved to their current home, or what growing up was like, or any number of questions that would allow us to connect at a deeper level.

Today is the first National Listening Day. The idea is to use the time when families are already gathered together, to pause to hear the stories we never take the time to tell. The stories of your parents, grandparents and, if still living, your great grandparents are part of what made you the person you are today. Stop long enough to ask the questions that will bring the stories forward and then listen to the events and people that shaped their lives.

The Bible gives us this advice to tell our stories. Again and again, we are told in scripture to tell the stories of God to our children and our children’s children. Deuteronomy 32:7 says, “Remember the days of long ago; think about the generations past. Ask your father and he will inform you. Inquire of your elders, and they will tell you.” The day of listening is a time to do just that.

This idea of a national day of listening should have come from some Christian or Jewish group seeking to foster the communication encouraged in the Old Testament. Instead the day of listening idea comes from StoryCorps, an independent nonprofit seeking to capture the stories of generations passing away. Yet their goal of encouraging recording the stories of your family for future generations is one churches would do well to encourage.

StoryCorps offers free advice on how to do this using the tools on hand, such as a video camera, tape recorder or pen and paper. Their website is at http://nationaldayoflistening.org/

They suggest asking five to ten questions to keep the conversation primed. They offer the following ideas: What are some of the most important lessons you have learned in life? What are you most proud of? What was the happiest moment of your life? The saddest? Is there something about yourself that you think no one knows? How would you like to be remembered? They also have a question generator at www.storycorps.net.

I would add to these questions, some further questions that will help uncover stories of faith such as: Who has been the greatest influence on your spiritual life? How did you come to faith? What miracles have you experienced in your life?

These are the stories too seldom told. Why leave preaching to the preacher alone when the best sermons are written in our day to day lives? Have you experienced physical healing, but never told your kids or grandkids about it? Have you been delivered from drug or alcohol abuse, but now prefer to cover up those past failings?

This day of listening can be a time to honestly address the past. Find out the good and the bad. After all, we learn as much or more from failures as successes. Don’t be afraid to ask about or to tell stories of divorce or getting fired from a job or whatever else you might be tempted to avoid. We can learn from the past, heal it and redeem it, but not if we hide those previous problems.

To those who might tell their stories this year, I have some difficult advice to follow. It is this word of warning—things left unsaid can be very unhealthy. Nothing can so poison a family like secrets. The events you try to hide lead to guesses that are much worse than the truth and to fears that are unfounded. Telling aloud the very thing we fear someone will find out may be the only path to healing.

In my own family, there were skeletons in the closet of herculean size and strength. I’m not talking about garden variety family issues, but murder, betrayal and the electric chair. Keeping this hidden from grandkids and great grandkids was harmful. Telling openly the stories of the past was the only way for healing to come.

If your family has the courage to ask about your previous marriage, or the child you haven’t acknowledged in years, or the emotional abuse your father heaped on you, it’s because they care enough to find out about what lies hidden. Find the bravery to answer openly and honestly and you will find this storytelling session to be transformative. While not hiding what has happened, you can also tell of the good that has come from difficult times.

I know that today may be too late to plan to record an interview before the day is out. You may need to plan ahead for Christmas. Receive the gift of your own family this Thanksgiving and Christmas. Ask your grandparents, aunts and uncles for their time. Encourage them to honestly share from their hearts the people and events that shaped their lives for good and bad. Set up the video camera or get ready to take notes. Then stop everything else and listen.

(The Rev. Frank Logue is pastor of King of Peace Episcopal Church in Kingsland.)

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